If there is one thing about social media I understand; it is the idea of audience. A collection of people who daily sift through kilatons of short and loud messages to find something that catches interest, or offends them, or makes them laugh. If anyone is reading this it is likely because of the intriguing premise I offered. And if you don’t finish to the end I really hope you have found a funny cat video to watch instead.

There is no reason you should care about what I have to say.

And that is exactly why I am writing this, on this blog that I have not updated since ages ago. I am writing this while trying to figure out why I cared about having an audience in the beginning of all this. Did I want to have a publishing platform? A forum for discussion of meaningful topics? I’m talking years ago, when I set up my first post on my god forsaken xanga page. Why did I want to say something at all? Because lately I have realized that what I care about has changed. The entire format of the Internet world shifted as me and my friends migrated to blogger, then tumblr, and twitter, and instagram. And I changed with it. I gave up on meaning, and leadership, and thought. Instead I “liked” and reblogged, and made pithy statements, and followed. And followed. And it has become my pastime. Following. And letting opinions, and irony, and bad communication be my source of entertainment, and validation. Thanks for the reblogs, and the retweets, and the “@shepherdahlers haha that’s awesome” but at the same time I feel I owe you an apology.

There is no reason you should follow me. I am just following everybody else.

If you wanted to get to know who I am, you lose too. Half the things I say or post about are trivial, and inanely trying to be clever, and sound cultured. They are not real, deep expressions of reality, or even thought provoking fiction. My own dulled down work is sour in my mouth, and I regret it. It feels vain. And vulgar.

Isn’t it odd, you know, that I am writing this hoping someone, maybe even you, will “get” me? Perhaps you will express solidarity, or an alternative value via this shot in the dark that is the Internet. A world without walls that held every promise of making it impossible to feel alone. It has made you and me as isolated from eachother as ever though, as I throw out another opinion. Another eye catching piece of unsatisfying, enumerating Internet commentary. As I succumb to the passivity that passes as action.

If you are following me, I am sorry for leading you astray. My original desire has been and will always be to grow closer to knowing my Savior, the only true myth. I hoped to create a culture of communication about the things that matter, like the fact that there is injustice, or to speak about my experiences of holy things…  But I have been distracted, and let down, and frustrated.

You will too if you choose to follow me. It’s your choice.

Now go watch this funny cat video.